I grew up in a church going family, I went to Bible School in the summers, I knew the stories about Jonah and the whale, Zacchaeus in the sycamore tree, and so on but it wasn’t until I was 21 that I fully knew Jesus.
In high school and going into college I remember being heavily influenced by peers, social media, and even classes I took. For instance, I remember learning about evolution which brought up questions about Christ and I bought in to what my peers had to say about it. I also watched people on social media talk about “the universe” and “manifestation” and using rocks and energy. Again, being an impressionable teen, I started to accept these ideas about “spirituality” from the world’s point of view. All of these things I heard and adopted pulled my eyes and heart away from what I had been taught growing up. I vividly remember sitting in the pew one Sunday with my family, listening to the sermon, and honestly thinking that everyone there was believing in something that couldn’t be true. I really thought I knew what was best. Thankfully I was wrong about everything. Even though I had started trusting in worldly ideas of “spirituality” I still had this pull in my heart on Sundays that made my eyes tear up or thoughts in the back of my mind that would question something I saw or heard online. God wasn’t ready to let me go yet. Even though I was actively pushing Him away, He was reeling me back in even though I didn’t know it at the time.
Since I was following worldly ideas of how to act, what to believe in, what’s acceptable, etc. I was not in a healthy relationship with my boyfriend, Devin, or others around me. He did not grow up in church and was pretty set in his mind that there was no God. We had discussions here and there about God and what we believed, but really we didn’t get anywhere productive with how we were doing things. We fought constantly, we weren’t on the same page about healthy boundaries in a relationship, we didn’t trust one another, our communication was severely lacking, and we just did what we thought was right. After four years of this off and on relationship we officially called it quits. I was hateful and judgmental of others as well (even my brother’s own girlfriend who was in high school, silly me). I was focused on worldly validation and attention, I was selfish, and honestly just not very nice. After four years resulting in a failed relationship with Devin, a low self-esteem, unhealthy relationships with others around me, and a lot of hate and anger in my heart, I felt like I had wasted time doing all the wrongs things. The mumbo-jumbo universe wasn’t helping me, I hadn’t manifested anything and something was still itching at me every time I started to hear about Christ. I remember driving in the car one day and absolutely losing it. I was sobbing, snot bubbles and all, and I had no idea where it came from. All I knew was that I wasn’t being fulfilled by these worldly ideas/beliefs and relationships and I had no idea what to do- but I knew what I had been doing wasn’t working. The gratitude journal, meditation, self-affirmations telling me untrue things, self-help books about being a strong woman, etc. weren’t cutting it. So I just started talking. Couple of hysterical sobs later into the conversation I realized I had started talking to God. The real God, not the “universe” or my “higher self” [insert eye roll here].
He had been with me all along, even when I was trying to push Him away over the years. He had been pulling on my heart strings with convictions I hadn’t been ready to accept. I was ready now. I told Him as I drove down the road that I had no idea what I was doing, I was tired of trying to be the god of my own life, I had sinned so much, and that I needed Him. I remember turning on some christian music in my Honda Accord, crying, and praying for Jesus- and from that moment on my life changed. I wanted to know more and get rid of any doubts I had previously trusted in- so I started listening to sermons and speakers online, I started reading the Bible, I paid attention in church, and I started praying. I prayed about everything. Every question I had, every doubt that tried to bubble up, every time I needed some extra faith- I prayed. Every person I could think of (including Devin)- I prayed for them to trust in Christ and feel this peace that I had. Listen, I didn’t do any of this perfectly- none of us do- but slowly I started to get to know God, and not just the stories I heard as a kid, but a true relationship. I began trusting in Him instead of my own ideas and wants. I was slowly being convicted of how I spoke, how I acted when being around friends, what I looked at on my phone, etc. After 3 years of being saved I am still being convicted of sins and I hope He keeps convicting me and showing me my shortcomings so I can keep working each day to follow His commands and be more like Christ and less like myself. Anyways, getting back on track… After being saved in my Honda and letting Jesus take the wheel (of my life not the Honda), I felt like life had been breathed back into me. Something felt different- I had peace and was fulfilled from trusting in God. He was all that I had needed all along and I had finally realized that. I was doing pretty good at this point in the breakup and then Devin reached out. Adamant at first, I agreed to meet with him while he was in town from college. We met and talked. Come to find out, what was once a self-proclaimed atheist had given his life to Christ. Shocked was an understatement. We talked for hours about what we had both learned and decided to talk again in a couple of days to see how we felt after all of our revelations. We both wanted to do things “right” this time with God as our center. Needless to say we got back together, put our focus on learning about God and building a relationship with Him as individuals but also as a couple, and our relationship was completely different than it had been in the past. The difference was Christ. He was guiding us instead of us trying to do things our own way. Our relationship wasn’t and isn’t perfect by any means because we aren’t perfect. We still argued and had disagreements but we resolved them by turning back to God’s word, Christ’s actions, and the holy Spirits guidance.
About three years, a lot of mountain peeks and low valley moments later we got married in the same church I grew up in- with the pew I sat in while God pulled on my heart to lay it all down at His feet. A year later here we are- happily married and still pursuing Christ together. We don’t have it figured out, we’re just 24 year olds that love Jesus, and that’s all we need.
Don’t get me wrong, I still judge, get snappy, can be selfish and sin daily but I am trying to listen to God’s Word and the convictions He puts on my heart to do better. The goal is to be more like Him each day and less like myself. Less worldly focus- more God focused. That switch affects everything- such as my relationships with others, relationship with myself, my career, and my life’s purpose and aspirations.
One of my favorite verses that sums this all up is Proverbs 3:5-6
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.”